Something has pushed me over the edge.
Something made me feel like walking off a train platform edge yesterday (not a new groundbreaking thought). I broke down in the middle of the street right in front of First Canadian Place / the bar King Taps, and started sobbing uncontrollably. I sobbed so hard I could barely see, otherwise I would have continued walking to the GO train. It was the predominant thought in my head. I thought – Let’s stop with the easy attempts that always fail -pills – let’s do it instead now with a fail-proof swoop. I cried until my ribs were hurting and I couldn’t stop stuff from coming out of my nose all over my favourite red dress, knees and phone. The humiliation of crying in such an un-private way did not matter because I literally just felt overwhelming, excruciating pain that needed to come out. I cried so hard at one point I just had to sit down because I could not process how to walk forward anymore even though I desperately wanted to sprint away somewhere private. It’s like my legs were locked and I could not feel them anymore. I think it was almost like paralyzing shock, if I even know what that is…what that actually feels like.
A long time ago, I once talked to somebody (actually I wrote about this person -W- in a previous post) about the few seconds (maybe not even) you might feel pain as a train hits you, but yet you die instantaneously thereafter from the impact. I wanted to say that I was of the view that you wouldn’t feel anything. It would be too fast. I think it’d be easier than jumping off a building for sure. Because as much as I have imagined getting into the office super early, taking my chair, breaking the window (**I looked at this window further today, and it’s double pane, so it’d probably be incredibly hard for my weak-ass arms to actually pick up a chair and break it with enough force), and jumping from my 20th floor work-building so many times – the past two years as I stood over the printer looking out that particular window- , I know that half-way down I would feel absolute fear, and there would be no way to stop it…to stop / reverse time…to wait for ‘Spiderman to come and save me.’ At least, with the train it would just hit me, and it’d be over. There would be no time to think. Just a quiet thought to myself.
The reason why I have always thought of pills as the be-it-end-all is because despite the pills screwing up my brain, and “turning my body off”, “putting me to forever sleep”, my body retains its shape and form. Jumping in front of a train, out of building, slitting my wrist, would misshape and wreck me, and in many ways I think would hurt the ones I love even more as they have to identify my body, and look at it again at my funeral. But then again, the thought I have always had conflict with – why would I ever want to hurt the people I love the most? (I am too tired to answer that question right now, but understand please that it has to do with inexplicable pain.)
Yesterday, as I cried, two sets of separate strangers sat down with me – two lawyers, and someone who worked for U of T. Their sheer kindness is also partially why I did not continue my walk to the GO train. In some ways, maybe they saved my life last night – in some ways “talking me down from jumping off the bridge”. The one man thought I had fallen on the sidewalk. I could barely speak, but I muttered out the words from beneath my snivelling – I am “emotionally unwell”. I am “sick in the head”. They all quietly nodded their head in understanding, continuing to sit quietly in silence with me, asking me the odd question about where I live and work until one of my best friends had called JH to find me and take me home. I guess I am sometimes surprised about how kind people can be, and then I remember the world and reality, and how it’s always not so dark. Or least, it can be. It might be for me, one day. I am just so not sure right now, especially with thoughts of trains ruminating in my head. This is not even limited to GO train – there’s the subway, VIA, some train track somewhere with a cargo train.
Anyhow, the GO train plan was foiled, but it remains in my head for now. I need / desperately need compassion and kindness (something) from the universe / fate (because logic is not working for me)….or maybe at this time, some time back in the hospital / rehab / something. I am so very broken, and I do not know how to fix myself. I am at a loss with how sick my head feels. I either feel overwhelmingly sad, or numb. The numbness almost feels worse because I am just literally going through the motions, feeling absolutely nothing about anything and anyone despite how much I love my friends and family, and how lucky I am in so many ways a person could count. You could give me anything and everything, or nothing at all, and I would stare off blankly not knowing what to do in any scenario. My doctors ask me questions now about my present and future, and I just don’t know what to say. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know anything.
Nobody / nothing in my life can fix me right now, (that’s how hopeless I feel) so maybe the train idea makes sense? I need to think about this. I also need to figure out how to make this easier for my friends and family to move on, because I can feel in my heart that it’s finally coming. I just have this ‘feeling’. I might just say that ‘today’ feels like the day. It might not come with a well thought-out plan this time. It might not come with a goodbye to each and every family member / friend (left on the counter for JH to distribute the message) this time. It might just end – finally, after 5 years of feeling like this. Maybe finally, I can just find whatever f’d up peace I have been looking for whether it’s in heaven or hell. That’s how f-d up I am right now. Seriously f-d up.