The problem with experiencing hypomania, and how good it feels, is when it crashes. You do not feel normal anymore. The ‘exuberant’ energy disappears. You want to cry multiple times again during the day. You negatively over analyze absolutely everything anyone says, so it almost feels better to disappear again. It feels better almost to enter into a bubble again. It’s summer, so using one or two glasses of wine acts as a bit of an escape.
My psychiatrist recently increased my anti-psychotic up a slight nudge. As a result, I have become more tired, and a bit hazy. It seems almost contradictory since the medicine is not supposed to be sedating. I almost wish that I could be ultra-hyper again. It is incredibly frustrating to feel cloudy and slightly off-focus again. As much as it was weird to be ultra-social, at least I felt alive and that I could do anything. At least I felt something, and not detached. Now, I just feel like crawling back into a shell, which is a tell-tale sign that something horrible is looming. What is scarier is that I have had more suicidal flashes lately: drowning in the lake, jumping off my floor at work (it falls onto a balcony of another building), and the latest one (because it literally almost happened), getting hit by a speeding car. Because of our upcoming trip, I have also had flashes of jumping off a ridge at a real high altitude. These are just flashes though. I have no active plans to go kill myself tomorrow. But among 80 other racing thoughts, these are some of the things that pop up in my head at the odd moment.
Last weekend, JH and I attended a wedding. If this wedding took place a few weeks ago, I would have flitted around happily talking and meeting strangers. I felt reserved though, almost in a shell, even after a glass of wine. I latched on to the few people I knew, and I felt awkward when there were moments where no one I knew was around. I ended up going up to my room early once the reception was over because I felt so out of place. I felt dis-inclined to ‘party’, and for the first time in a few weeks, I actually felt like depression was coming back. I wanted to cry, but tears would not come out. I felt nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. So instead, I screamed in my head, and then fell asleep. As per usual, I ended up sleeping horribly.
But, the next morning, I cried a bit erratically where I should not have cried. I held myself like I was really vulnerable. I did not feel like ‘myself’ again, and all the progress I had made to ‘feel normal’ again seemed to disappear. JH listened, but he placed accountability against my running and waking up early as factors for my fatigue and mood. I am not so sure since I have kept the same regimented patterns for a few months now. I think depression is coming back, and I just have to brace myself for it. I do not want ruminations or constant cry spells, but every time I have entered into a depressive episode, I have felt hazy, tired and unfocussed all the days leading up to the mood change. This feels all too familiar. I am scared, but honestly, what can I do? I have to accept my condition, and just hope that it is short-lived. I really hope that it is short-lived because everyone loves ‘happy’, normal me more. Everyone was riding on it as much as I was riding on it. I love ‘happy’, normal me more.
We leave the country in 9 days. Maybe I will be revitalized again. I do not know. Everything just feels uncertain right now. 9 days – Hopefully I can make it there without being hospitalized again.
Let’s not be so dramatic here now, and talk about this White Chocolate Mousse Tart.
My cousin kindly sent me some Trader Joes Speculoos cookies, so I decided to turn them into a tart crust. Recipe is below:
The Not-So-Secret Secrets:
WHITE CHOCOLATE BERRY TART
- White Chocolate Mousse – from my previous recipe linked here.
- Speculoos Cookie crust – recipe below.
Speculoos Cookie Crust
- 1 ½ cups Trader Joes Speculoos Cookies, ground in a food processor
- 1 tablespoon sugar
- 5-6 tablespoons melted butter
- Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F.
- Mix together the ground cookies and the sugar using a fork in a small-medium sized bowl.
- Add the melted butter until it is evenly moistened.
- Press onto an already lighted buttered fluted tart pan (mine was 8 ½ inch) until evenly covered.
- Bake for approximately 10 to 12 minutes.
- Once the tart shell has cooled, pour in the white chocolate mousse.
- Allow the mousse to set overnight.
- Garnish with berries.